yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
