he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
