took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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