just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
