Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
