And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Randomize
