you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Who died my cat blue again?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
