I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
