Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
