Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
