this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
