I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
