pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
