Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
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