Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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