If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
