his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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