just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
