just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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