Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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