I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
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