Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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