the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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