Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
