so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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