my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The adults are the big ones right?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
