that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
