Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
