So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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