I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
