I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
