Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
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