Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
