I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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