What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
