I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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