Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
