I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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