what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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