My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
