i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
birth control should be required to get into college
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
These tits shall not be calmed
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
