Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
