I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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