I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
