3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
