im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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