Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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