I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
