Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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