I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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